


Wasting Away

by DevynGreenwood



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Loki Has Issues, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-03-29 18:21:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3906145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DevynGreenwood/pseuds/DevynGreenwood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A well-meant comment from Tony causes Loki to fall into a downward spiral.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When Loki had been granted to live in Avengers Tower, he was nowhere near healthy. Odin had made him mortal and banished him to Earth, so with nowhere to go, Loki had to live on the streets. He didn't have money to pay for food, so he got terribly thin. Though it made him feel sick to know he was enjoying his state, Loki loved being skeletal. He found something so graceful in the way his hipbones and ribs jutted out, and he found it fascinating to watch his legs get thinner and his waist even slimmer. Thor ended up telling Tony about Loki and the mechanic decided to put the former god on permanent house arrest in his tower. That way, he would be able to make sure that Loki didn't cause trouble in New York again.

Tony didn't know how it happened, but he found himself falling in love with Loki. Though he would never announce it formally, he and Loki became a thing and Tony liked it. Loki still looked sickly, though, so when he saw him gaining weight healthily, Tony couldn't be happier. Loki's thinness had always concerned him and to see the trickster looking healthy for once delighted him.

During breakfast one day, Tony said to Loki, "You look good. You don't look sick anymore, which is good. You look healthy."

Loki paused to ask, "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean you've put on some weight in a healthy way," Tony answered. "You're not fat at all if that's what you're thinking, it's just nice seeing-"

"W-what?!" Loki stammered, his eyes filling with tears. "Who even says that? What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Tony scrambled for a reply that would calm Loki down. "I didn't mean it like that. I just-"

"I knew I was starting to look terrible!" Loki shouted, taking his plate and smashing it on the ground. He stormed off right into the bathroom. After a moment of considering what to do, Loki sighed and decided to do something he hadn't done in a long time. He stuck his index and middle finger down his throat and forcefully vomited into the toilet bowl.

After he had calmed down slightly, Loki went to his room and looked in the mirror. He was still thin, but not unhealthily so. He pinched at his sides, finding that even though he wasn't fat, there was flesh there that wasn't there when he had first moved in. He started to cry so hard that he couldn't stop. Eventually, he got so exhausted that he went to bed and fell asleep, but not before locking the door.

Loki had woken up from his nap an hour later with a plan in mind. He would do just what he did in his later teenage years - starve himself until he was happy with the way he looked. He would consume nothing but water. He plastered on a fake smile and went into the kitchen to get a large glass of water. Tony was on the couch, resting his head on his hand with troubled eyes.

"I'm sorry," Tony said, but Loki ignored him. He just took his glass of water to his room and slowly sipped at it while reading. He wasn't reading the usual type of books he liked to read. Instead, he was poring over an informational book on eating disorders. When he was 17 in human years, a joke about his appearance had set him off to develop anorexia nervosa. He had recovered, but had struggled with liking his appearance for years after that. As he looked at the photos of anorexia, he found himself falling in love again with the idea of being skeletally thin.

The more he read about his former disease, the more he felt that he would only be happy if he was as thin as the patients in the photos. He wanted the same jutting hipbones and prominent ribs, as well as the sought-after gap between the thighs. He wondered how concave his stomach could get before he completely wasted away. Though he knew it was unhealthy to long for emaciation, Loki couldn't stop himself from thinking these things.

For the rest of the week, Loki ate nothing and drank only water. He weighed himself daily, bursting into tears at any fluctuation upwards. He felt as if he could break at any moment and no would even care. The thought depressed him but on his second week, he started to lose body fat and it made him even happier than he had imagined.

The weeks passed by like that - not eating anything, drinking lots of water, and looking at photos for inspiration. When he got too hungry and he realized he could starve to death if he didn't eat something soon, he allowed himself a small apple. He felt terribly guilty after having one, but he convinced himself not to throw up. As much as he wanted to be thin, he didn't want yellowed teeth from his stomach acid.

Tony's fellow Avengers started giving him concerned looks, even Clint. Whenever Steve made breakfast, he always asked Loki if he wanted any. Loki always declined the offer with a smile.

Time went on and it became clear that Loki was starving himself. His ribs showed even through his shirt, his hipbones jutted out, and he had a gap between his legs even when he sat down. His facial features were even sharper and his stomach caved in. Tony couldn't take watching Loki waste away anymore, so he pulled Loki aside and asked, "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I want to be thin," Loki said. "I want to be good enough for you. Your assistant is so thin... I want to be like her, since you like her."

"You were already thin. Now you're even thinner. You've always been skinny, Loki. And don't bring Pepper into this. You know I'm in a relationship with only you."

"But you said I gained weight," Loki replied, starting to cry. "I-I didn't want that, I wanted to be beautiful. I only have a few pounds to go and then I'll be perfect."

"What do you mean a few pounds to go?" Tony asked. "You've always been perfect! You don't need to do this!"

"Yes, I do! I need to be perfect for you!" Loki exclaimed before he broke down in tears. "I'm 105 pounds. I need to be at 100 and then I'll stop. 100 will be perfect."

"That's it," Tony said, his voice thick with tears he was trying to hold back. "I'm taking you to Bruce."

"You don't need to take me to a doctor. I'm fine."

Tony took him anyway. Bruce told him that not only had he developed anorexia nervosa, Loki was severely underweight and if he didn't eat, he might die. Tony tried to force Loki to eat but the former god was stubborn not to. He started to cry as much as Loki did, terrified that he would lose Loki to his disease.

Thor saw Tony crying and went up to him. "This isn't your fault. Loki's struggled with this before. When we were in our late teenage years, one of my friends made a joke about Loki's weight and he took it seriously. He started to starve himself and he got terribly thin. He was diagnosed with anorexia after he had nearly died from it. We didn't catch it at first because it is widely believed that men don't suffer from it. It took him around 2 and a half years to recover, and even after that, he still wasn't the same. He struggled with his self image and it appears that he struggles with it to this day."

"What I don't get is why he would take what I said so seriously," Tony said. "I told him he looked healthy and then he starves himself to be thin for me. He wouldn't stop talking about needing to be perfect for me. I meant what I said well but he took it the wrong way and completely freaked out. Now, I feel like if he dies, it will be my fault."

Later that night, Tony heard sounds of retching coming from Loki's room. He didn't know why Loki wouldn't be in the bathroom throwing up, so he decided to investigate. He froze in horror when he saw what was happening.

To Tony's dismay, Loki was coughing up and vomiting blood. There was so much of it on the floor already that the room reeked of it. Tony immediately grabbed Loki by his emaciated waist. He called 911, and as the lights of the ambulance flashed, he felt as if he were in a nightmare.

After around a day, a nurse at the hospital called Tony and said it would be okay for him to visit. When he got into Loki's hospital room, he once again felt like he was stuck in a nightmare.

Loki was so pale that he practically blended in with the hospital bed sheets. He was so thin that he looked almost like a doll, all bony limbs and blue veins. He had a feeding tube in him, a sight that made Tony nearly burst into tears.

"Hi," Tony said, sitting down in one of the two visiting chairs.

Loki gave a weak wave and said after a few moments, "Am I perfect now?"

Tony felt a wave of nausea. "You've always been perfect. I told you that but you didn't listen."

"Well, I'm happy," Loki said with a grin that didn't reach his eyes. "I've never been happier."

"You're lying. You're in a hospital with a fucking feeding tube down your throat and you tell me that you're happy?!"

"Don't yell, Tony," Loki rasped. "You'll get sent out."

Tony ignored Loki's response. "I try so hard to make you see that you're worth it but you always act like you're worthless. I-I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing makes you happier than destroying yourself. Apparently, you're happier wasting away than you are with me."

"Did I ever say any of that?" Loki said weakly.

"No, but I feel like I can't make you happy. You were so happy with me before I said what I did. I'm sorry. I only meant it well but I guess you love hurting yourself more than you love me."

"I do love you. I just felt like I wasn't good enough for you."

"You've always been good enough."

Loki started to cry. "I ruined everything, didn't I?"

Tony came up and hugged Loki close, trying to ignore the feeling of Loki's prominent bones under his skin. "No, you didn't."

"Please tell me it's going to be okay," Loki sniffled. "Please tell me everything's going to be all right."

Tony said nothing, knowing he couldn't answer that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki begins to enjoy life again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am here way too late with a happy ending to this story, which had previously been a oneshot. I feel like there's some OOC-ness (what's a word for it?) because of the fluff, but here you guys go.

Tony had never been a fan of hospitals, but he really couldn’t stand them now that Loki was a patient of one. He kept almost nodding off because he didn’t sleep at all the previous night. Now, warm morning light brought a soft golden glow to the too-white hospital room, scattering its rays over his lover’s starved frame. He couldn’t help but feel a twist of anger deep in his chest - he got a feeling that Loki loved destroying himself more than spending time with him.

Soon, Tony came to the harsh realization that Loki’s issues didn’t just stop at an eating disorder. Staying by his side nearly all day showed him a side of his partner that he couldn’t bear to see. Loki had serious self-destructive tendencies and at times was deluded and completely impossible to reason with. Tony cried himself to sleep the night that he found scars on the god’s wrists and forearms, things Thor told him Loki usually concealed with an illusion. In his weakened state, he couldn’t keep the illusion up. Tony started to question who was the real Loki: the arrogant, power-hungry god he met in Stuttgart, the clever, playfully mischievous trickster he loved, or the self-loathing, unstable ghost he had to deal with now?

At the moment, Tony was sleeping in the visiting chair in Loki’s hospital room. He had exhausted himself helping Loki all day with nearly everything, as Loki was too weak to do most things on his own. He had regained the ability to walk, but did so very unsteadily. He had to have a chair in the shower because he was too weak to stand up for too long, something that tore up Tony’s heart every time he heard the water running. The mechanic couldn’t leave Loki alone for too long because he was so desperate for self-destruction that he could fashion anything into something to harm himself with. He was unsure how long he could put up with this shell of Loki.

Loki ended up waking Tony up by a coughing fit. When he drew a tissue away from his mouth, he saw blood in it. Sighing, he tossed it in the trash bin and hoped his partner didn’t discover it.

“Are you happy that you screwed up your health?’ Tony said venomously.

“Tony, please-”

“No. Whatever you were about to say is bullshit. You said you wanted to be perfect and well, you were already perfect! How does it feel to be dizzy and weak, and how does it feel to have a feeding tube in you? Do you like all of that? I knew you were a masochist, but this is-”

“Shut up!” Loki snapped. “I didn't intend to hurt myself. I just intended to be thinner, but I went too far. You being angry at me isn't solving anything.”

“I have the right to be angry. I was so happy that you were doing better but now you’ve fucked everything up. I'm going to talk to Big Brother. Don't choke on whatever's going through that tube.”

Tony stormed out, ignoring all the nurses’ curious looks towards him. He drove to Avengers Tower and located Thor’s floor. The blond opened the door upon hearing Tony’s knock.

“What brings you to me, Anthony?” Thor asked. “You look distressed.”

“I need to know the full story on Loki’s disordered eating,” Tony replied. “You said one of your friends said something and it set the whole thing off.”

Thor nodded and motioned for his teammate to come inside. Once seated on the couch with Tony in the recliner, he spoke.

“Loki’s always been thin, verging on the line of unhealthily so. But because he wasn’t as muscular as Asgard’s warriors, he was ridiculed and it caused him to perceive his body as something mortifying and something to be constantly improved. When he did develop some muscle, my friend, Fandral, acted like it was fat that he gained. Snide comments like, ‘Loki, your leather’s getting tight’, ‘you'll give Volstagg a run for his money soon enough’, ‘finally filling out now, are we?’, petty things I now know I should've stopped. Loki took all of it to heart.

“It was hard to notice at first, as it wasn't unlike him to spend hours in his room practicing magic or reading. He stayed holed up in his quarters and feigned feeling ill when meals were called. I noticed him dropping weight and by the Norns, I wish I had talked to him. But it was hard to get any chance to speak with him for more than just a short conversation. He just kept waning and one night, I caught him using his magic to disappear food carefully so it looked like he had eaten. I argued with him but he was too stuck in his delusion that he was fat.

“It kept getting worse and worse and I was honestly terrified. He was always shaking and looking faint, and his bones started to show even through his clothes. His hair started to fall out, lanugo appeared, and he became outright horrified of eating. While I was sparring, our mother found him throwing up blood and what looked like the grounds in your coffee. She rushed him to the healers and called me down to accompany him. It broke my heart when I saw he weighed 105 pounds. Yet, he was in tears and still believed himself to be overweight.

“As you know, it took two years for him to become healthy again, but he wasn't the same. Fandral beat himself up over it and frankly, I wanted to kill him. Loki still won't eat certain foods, I believe one of the healers called them ‘fear foods’. Pie, nut spreads, dried fruit, cheesecake, and a few others I can't recall at the moment.”

Tony's heart sank even farther down. “T-that's… that's why he won't eat apple pie when Steve makes it, or the trail mix I live on when I work in my lab.”

“I believe you are correct.”

The mechanic sighed, shaking his head. “Oh, Loki…” he murmured to himself. “Thanks. I think I'll- I think I'll talk to him. And hope he doesn't defenestrate me again if I bring all this up.”

Thor nodded with a warm smile, but there was a hint of tears in his eyes. “Good luck. Please be careful not to misspeak.”

Tony returned the nod and left the god’s floor, then set off to the hospital.  
*********************

Tony had expected more arguing from Loki, but the god was oddly silent. A strange feeling coursed down his spine when he saw a look of guilt in his partner’s eyes. Guilt wasn’t something Loki showed often.

“I’m sorry,” Loki rasped. “I just… I realized how selfish I was. You were so relieved that I was getting better, and I ruined that by starving myself. I should’ve explained things to you instead of, well, you’d say I ‘freaked out’. I’m so sorry, but I understand if you can’t or don’t want to forgive me.”

“You really were selfish,” Tony grumbled. “I appreciate the apology, but it doesn’t undo anything.”

“I know it doesn’t,” Loki sighed, but it came out as more of a wheeze. What I did is unforgivable.”

Sighing himself, Tony took a seat in the visitor’s chair. His eyes wandered down Loki’s underweight form and he felt a stab of hurt at his heart. Even with the feeding tube, the god was still so emaciated that he looked like a starved prisoner of war. Tony could count every rib, something that made bile rise in his throat. Seeing a sickeningly concave stomach and too-sharp hip bones made his heart fill with even more hurt.

“Loki, you were so beautiful,” he choked out. “You were pale but not sickly-looking because of that, you had the most attractive lean muscle I’d ever seen, and your eyes were so bright and intelligent. They’re so glazed now…”

Loki frowned. “Past tense. Was I- I mean, am I really that bad? I feel sick now just hearing about it.”

Tony sighed yet again and waved the topic away. “I need you to promise me something.”

"Pray tell,” Loki replied, his voice raspy again.

“I need you to promise me you won’t do this again. I want to see you laugh and smile, not frown and cry. You have the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen and I miss it so damn much. It reaches your eyes and there is nothing that makes me happier than it. I want to see your hair soft and shiny again, not dry and falling out. I want to feel your smooth skin, not the lanugo. I want to see your eyes so bright again, not glazed over and unfocused. I want to hug you and not feel every single bone. And I never want to see any more scars form on your arms.”

Loki’s eyes were shiny with a film of tears. “I… I will grant your wishes.”

***********************  
Though most of them still didn’t trust Loki, the Avengers started pitching in to help him recover. Natasha read comforting poems and stories to him in Russian, Bruce left mugs of relaxing tea on his left nightstand, Steve drew cheerful pictures for him, and Thor reminisced about the happy memories of his shared childhood with him. Even Clint tried to help out, though reluctantly - Natasha had lectured him and he couldn’t argue with her points. Once Loki could handle solid food and was okay with light foods like eggs, he put his cooking skills to work.

One day, Clint came to Loki with a plate of fluffy scrambled eggs.

“Eat this or you’ll get an arrow in between your eyes,” the archer said. “And I’ll steal your copy of _Beowulf_ if you magick it away.”

Loki ate well that morning.

Weeks turned into months and soon, Loki had made remarkable progress in his recovery. He still cringed at the sight of Natasha’s cheesecakes and Steve’s pies, but his heart no longer felt like it stopped when he saw them. His hair grew softer, he developed his lean muscle back, his eyes gleamed like they once did, and he even began to smile again. Those grins were true smiles that reached his eyes, and Tony couldn’t seem to tear his eyes from them.

Three years later, Loki had completely recovered, or at least as much as possible for him in his situation. Tony cried tears of joy when he saw him eating a cupcake, something that Loki laughed about. The mechanic praised him constantly and hugged him often.

Lying next to Tony in bed, Loki began to think about where he was three years ago. For once, he silently rejoiced that he was healthy again instead of loathing his now-good health.

“Have I ever told you how gorgeous you are?” Tony asked with a smile, one that Loki returned with a little chuckle.

“All the time,” the god replied. “Do you not recall the other day when you ‘borrowed’ Natasha’s camera to take modeling photos of me? I had never heard you use so many synonyms for ‘beautiful’.”

“Oh, yeah,” Tony laughed. “Don’t worry, I returned it to her a couple hours later. Well, actually a couple days. I only want _your_ thighs around my head.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Loki said, his tongue poking out just a little as he laughed again. “But that’s one of many reasons why I love you.”

“How many other reasons are there?” the mechanic asked with a wry smile.

“I’m afraid the number is too high to even be counted.”

Loki suddenly buried his head in Tony’s chest.

“Can we get ice cream?” he asked, and Tony had never grinned wider.


End file.
